Back in the Saddle

You know, it’s January. So here I am.

The days are getting longer. It’s both pleasantly and eerily sunny and warm. Spring in January, kind of like last year. I feel myself coming out of hibernation, like putting the TV back in its closet and embracing the things of life. And the main thing for me for embracing life is always this – remembering my true nature.

And then the next logical question is how am I going to do that. A question only ego asks. Ego doesn’t want to be left out of this journey to disidentify from ego. And then I’m off on another project to get somewhere other than right where I am. I’m writing a post or reading a book or listening to a wise teacher to get me closer to the truth, which is right here, gleaming and obvious if I would just stop trying to get anywhere but here.

Funny – I haven’t meditated in a while. I don’t Really want to give up the chase and settle down right here. And yet, truth be told, this isn’t a whole lot of fun – always on the run, searching for happiness, living in a cesspool or regret, dissatisfaction, what ifs, and maybe in the future. When it comes down to it, really at the base of all of it, is fear. Fear that I am not enough, this is not enough, there won’t be enough in the future, and I’ll be on my death bed wondering at what point I went spectacularly wrong and wasted my precious life. At least shortly thereafter those questions will be put away forever and I will be free.

So I could get pretty worked up about this. And I do at times, but usually it’s just a steady stream of anxiety producing thoughts quietly whispered into my being keeping me on my toes, making sure my frontal lobe is active and needed every moment of the day. My dreams have been pretty anxiety ridden too, so every moment of the night as well I suppose.

Here I am again. I’ve forayed down a path that leads to suffering and I must turn around. The good news is just a single conscious breath and I’m back on the right path again – the pathless path – because in that moment of just resting in what is really here there is peace. And in peace, there is no place for ego.

Ego – frontal lobe tensed up. Present with things exactly as they are – ease and relaxation.

So if I have to have a project, it’s got to be this – be with things exactly as they are. The simplest way I can think of to do that for a frontal lobe that has taken over is to notice the breath. So simple. So calming. So free. Aaaaaah.

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